Imaginative MOD
Posts: 332
(4/2/03 11:40 pm) Reply
A DARE TO CHANGE - Slash fanficWARNINGS: gay love, of course… this is slash, isn’t it?. Bad wording, of course… We know how our guys talk, don’t we?. Angst. Hope. And a kiss… well… maybe two… or three… AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is a work of fiction. I’m not claiming it to be true. By the way I hope, I really desire it is not true. Because Elijah doesn’t deserve to suffer this much. DEDICATIONS: To Vadas for reading and correcting it. For waiting. And to The Bang, because she can draw it, I’m sure. And because her drawings are quite a good inspiration for writing.
*****
The world, *your world*, is changing. You know. You notice it. You see it changing. You feel it moving under your feet. And you hate that. Because the feeling makes you terribly uncomfortable. You don’t know where to go, where to look, just for something stable. Something that doesn’t move. Though you have energy, though you are constantly moving, you hate when you are obligated to move for change, when life itself order things to start moving and change even your point of view on them. And it makes you feel sick. Things are not the same anymore. And you wonder why. Why things need to move, to jolt with such violence. Why do they even need to change, when you liked them like they were, like they have always be.
Sitting on the ground, your back against the wall, all alone, just silence surrounding, you smoke. The wall has turned into the only thing that stays always the same. It is always there. It doesn’t move. All you hear are your deep exhales as you smoke. If you move, you will be able to hear your clothes cracking. You can actually hear the sound of your heart in low, deep, slow beats…
You can not stand the silence. It is something that is bigger than you. You put your hand inside your coat and pull out your earphones. You put them in your ears, and press the play button of the latest gift you bought yourself: a little mp3 player. Loud heavy music starts to fill your head, so that you don’t to hear the silence anymore. So that you are not able to hear your own thoughts.
You’ve been feeling ill lately. But you still are not sure what is happening to you. Because the illness started before everything began to change. Or exactly at the same time.
You eat very little because your stomach doesn’t allow you to eat much more. You don’t want companions. You have refused your friends’ concern stating that the work is harder than you thought it would be. You promised them you are all right. Nothing is wrong with you.
Just… just the things are changing. But they just can’t see them. And you are tired. You feel sad. All they say is that you are home-sick; you are missing your family. Yes. That is it.
But you know inside you, deep inside, in that place where the loud music can not get into, that that’s not true. Not exactly. You are missing your family, your language, familiar accents, your well-known money bills. Yes. That’s why you are feeling so alone. That’s why you dream so much that you are back at home.
But that is not completely true, there’s one thing that is not correct in your dreams, how they end.
You move your feet up and down on the ground and without even noticing, you also force your head against the wall, following the rhythm, the strong rhythm of the music. You are not feeling the pain. Because something inside you is hurting a thousand times more.
It is just home-sickness. Home-sickness… please, believe it. You must!.
Follow the music. Make it louder. That’s it. So that the earth can also listen to it. So that your ears hurt you more than your head, more than your stomach, more than your heart.
Because you are too young to understand why things happen one way and not another. You’re still a child. Because you may be able to see the world changing, though nobody should really believe you see, and because you can do nothing to stop it or change it yourself, and...
And it is enough. Enough!
You simply can’t stand just one more joke about you, and your youth, and your age, and your energy, and your chattiness!. You simply can’t stand any more of their comments about how old, how mature, they all are and how much they make fun of you because of that!. Because you are *not* a child, right?! You are much more mature then they want to see! Age is not shown on your licence!. A date of birth means nothing. Nothing!.
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 333
(4/2/03 11:41 pm) Reply
Re: A DARE TO CHANGE - Slash fanfic
The music stops. Change of song. Even *that* needs to change?. You press the previous button. And the same song starts again. And exactly like after that little change, you start again moving your feet and hitting your head against the wall. The rhythm is stronger now. Just because the music is louder than when you played it first. And you press the volume button up once and again because you are still able to hear your thoughts and you don’t want to. And the music is so loud that you feel it all inside your body, making it trembling.
But as everything in life the song ends. Just when you were exhaling a drag. And you can hear your breath again. And it is trembling. And you know it is not because of the music.
You close your eyes to the sun in front of you. You close them heavily. As fiercely as it hurts. Because you can feel them watering. And no… No!. You are *not* going to cry, right?. You rest your head with a furious blow on the wall.
You are not a child for crying. You don’t want to be one. You don’t want to be nineteen. You don’t want them all to be older than you. You didn’t need them to make fun of you legally buying your first beer, and catching your first under-age drunkenness. And you don’t want them to laugh at you because surely you are no more than a fucking virgin. You don’t need friends that talk to you like an inexperienced, sweetie, just-starting life fucking baby.
You don’t want them to know why the hell everything is changing this fast, if you don’t understand it. You are an adult, right? A complete adult. Then why the hell don’t you understand why everything, *everything* is changing, ah?.
Maybe because is not.
But if it is not, then why are you feeling it?.
Sometimes you feel like you are Ian’s age. And at those times you see everything so clearly that it scares you. You are feeling it now. And in a minute you’ll realize why you can’t stomach your food. But you don’t want to hear the reasons. You don’t want. No!.
Home-sickness, home-sickness, home-sickness!...
Increase the volume!.
But the music is at its loudest and you know. And your thoughts are also at their highest volume and now you can hear them. And your ears are hurting you. And your head is hurting you too. And your heart is hurting you and driving you crazy.
There’s nothing to fight for. There’s nothing you can do to stop your thoughts apart from pushing your head against the wall. And smoking as if your life goes with it. And closing your eyes more fiercely than before, if that could be possible.
And when you do that, when you press your lids so hard that everything turns black, you see your thoughts. Because they transform themselves into images. Into a single image. And is there. Inside your eyes, like a picture. And it is looking at you.
And all of a sudden, the world beneath your feet stops. The change is made. And you know.
And then, when you realize you have seen it moving, you have seen the change, you have felt it and what you are seeing now is the picture of why the hell it has changed, you also feel something falling down on your skin. Wet. Hot. Running quickly to your coat, wetting your cheek on its way. You raise your arm and wipe it off your face before it falls to your coat sleeve. Fucking tear. And fuck off all the rest that follow the first.
You are not a child. Because children don’t see what you have. Because children don’t feel what you are feeling now. Because just like an adult you can understand that the world, *your world* is still the same. Nothing has changed. The wall is still there, the music is still really loud, the sun is still heating your skin and is the witness to your tears. And the cigarette has finished.
What was moving, what was changing… was you.
That’s why nobody else saw it. That’s why your stomach couldn’t handle your food. That’s why your heart hurt you so much. Because *you* were changing. And your mind wasn’t prepared for that change. Nor your heart.
But it is too late, because everything is done.
And you wonder why you are crying still. Why are you crying so much. Why can’t you stop it. But you know why you can’t.
It is because you don’t want them to know. You don’t want them to see you crying; you don’t want them to know you have changed and then guess why.
And most of all, because they think you are still a child. All of them.
But how not, ah?. If they think you are so similar to a child, then the last time you were drunk you let your heart go free and your body did what it did. Because it wasn’t *you*, right?. You didn’t want it to happen. Or at least you didn’t plan it. Not as it happened.
It wasn’t your fault. If you kissed him on the lips it was just because he was the next, and he was so drunk and you were also so drunk and it all seemed that funny… Regret it!. Regret it all, even the change!.
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 334
(4/2/03 11:41 pm) Reply
Re: A DARE TO CHANGE - Slash fanfic
And admit that it was only a game and everybody was playing, right?. Orli kissed Billy, Billy kissed Viggo, Viggo kissed you, and you… fuck it all!. You kissed Dom because he was the next in line!. And it was just a game!. A fucking game!. No need to change for just a little kiss, right? No need to cry anymore for this!.
You start crying louder and though you can’t hear yourself because of the loud music, you are sure that if someone came close to the wall they would hear you crying. You hide your head on your arms and try to breath normally, try to stop the tears, but you can’t.
Because it was not a little kiss. Because it was not the innocent kiss everybody expected from you, an inexperienced child. Because you are not a child, and you kissed him with all your heart. Because you moved your head to kissed him properly. Because you felt your heart in your throat and you used your tongue to part his lips, and found he was playing the same game.
And because it seemed too short.
And because then he turned and gave Orli a kiss too, ending the game.
And because everybody laughed.
And Liv was having the best time of her life seeing you kissing each other for a bet, laughing at you all, but mostly at you. “Just rubbing, Lijah, just rubbing…” with her girly tone.
“Leave him alone… The kid’s a fucking good kisser, right?”. Fuck you, Dom!. Fuck you!.
You are not a kid. You are not a little child, right?. You can’t stand him thinking of you like that. You are not a baby. No!.
Wasn’t that enough?. Wasn’t it demonstration enough for him?. Kissing him with all your heart and all your body wasn’t enough?.
Trying to understand why you did what you did is a dare for children?. Can a child understand that you did it because you love him?. No. No!… no.
And you are crying because it all was just a game. And because he thinks you are just a child. And because you can’t do it again. And you are dying to kiss him again.
Your mind was not prepared to know you can love another man. And your heart was not prepared to admit you *are* in love with him.
Dom is the image beneath your closed eyes. Dom is the reason why everything was moving, why your world was changing. The cause of your sadness and your need to be alone.
So you can’t turn back to the “home-sickness” excuse. Because now you know that it’s not true. Because lately all your dreams about home and the rest of your fucking dreams, end again kissing him.
And you want him to see you. You!. You need him to see!. Not as a fucking child… But as an adult. You can be a lover. But you know he simply can’t see it.
For him you are always going to be Elijah the child. Elijah with the baby-blue eyes, the kid that is a fucking good kisser, right?... a fucking little baby, inexperienced boy.
That’s what is making you cry.
Can’t you forget it, Lij? Can’t you simply let it pass, get over it?
Why can’t you ignore your feelings, be again a normal boy? Make everything change back to what it was?
Why must you love him?
If he does not deserve it. If he only sees you like a child…
Forget it!. Forget him!.
And as much as you try to forget, to ignore, to make everything turn back to “normal”, you know you can’t and it breaks you.
A cloud passing fast covers the sun for a second. And you shiver. You rub your hidden face with your sleeve again, trying to wipe off the tears. But new tears just wet your skin again. It is useless.
That happened three weeks ago. And for them, nothing changed. Even he, *he* the fucker, didn’t remember a thing. He laughed out loud at your expense when they told him you kissed him like a fervour cat. You? The little fucking child?… The inexperienced boy?…
“Fucker!” you screamed aloud in the middle of your sobs.
A hand drops lightly to your head, and softly touches your hair. It is big and warm. You didn’t expect it and you jump, though you don’t show your face. You are crying still, and you don’t want whoever it is to see you crying… like a baby. The person sits down at your side, and reaches over to remove your earphones. Now your head is buzzing. And you feel sick again. Your stomach starts to hurt you too. You need a rest… Please!. You need a break from your emotions!.
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 335
(4/2/03 11:41 pm) Reply
Re: A DARE TO CHANGE - Slash fanfic
The hands now touch your shoulders and they force you to rest your head against the person’s chest. It is not a big chest. But it’s warm. And there’s a heart inside that is beating faster than you expected.
And apart from the buzz inside your head and in your ears, there’s silence again. You can only hear your heavy breathing, your sobs, and the heart of the other.
You are not a baby. You don’t want to be seen as one.
You want Dom to know you are much more than you look… you need it!.
And you cry harder and longer. And the other person doesn’t say a word.
One of the hands rises to your face. And softly caresses your cheek trying to calm you down. A cold thumb ring rubbing your cheek makes you jump. Between the wet on your eyes you look at him.
And you can’t believe it!. It’s him!
You try to clean your face, you don’t want him to see you like this!. You were begging for him to see you like an adult and he is waiting for you to stop crying like a fucking baby!.
“Dom…” you start with a surprised tone.
“Shhh” he puts his finger to your mouth. “I know” his tone is sweet and soft and intelligent.
“What do you know?” you ask, trying to clean again your face, noticing how new tears come to replace those you have cleaned.
“I know” he simply says. And then presses you harder against his chest. “I promised myself once that this would never happen to anyone if it came from me” he almost rests his head on yours, and while he is talking, you notice his breath on your forehead. “I know how it is. I know how much it hurts. I lived it. And at that time, I promised myself I would never make anyone pass through this. Not for me. And now…”
“What the fuck are you talking about?!” you scream jerking quickly back from him with violence, but unable to stop hiccupping. He looks at you with sudden doubt in his eyes. But then he smiles. Sadly. But smiles to you. “It is just home-sickness, right?!” you reply again, looking fiercely into his eyes through your tears.
“Right” he agrees calmly. But he is smiling still. And there’s again that intelligent look on his face and on his eyes. He *knows*.
You hide your face in your crossed arms again, arching yourself to rest them on your knees. And cry more. Because he knows. He get closer to you, and rests his head on your arm. And speaks again really softly.
“I remember that night, Elijah. I do. I was not that drunk to forget”.
You look at him again. Surprised. Scared. Terrified.
“It meant nothing” you say cruelly.
“I know how it is noticing it for first time. I know how much the world moves under your feet when you realize it first” you are about to complain but he puts his finger again on your lips. “Shhh… let me end, right?. When I’m finish, if you want, we can go back to the home-sickness excuse, right?” you simply nod looking at him. And he continues with his quiet and soft tone. “It happened to me too. A kiss, and a love, and nothing at the end. And the change, and the uncomfortable feeling, and the regretting and the admitting. Everything, Elijah. All you are feeling now. I know how much it hurts. And it hurts more when you think that the other person doesn’t feel the same way. Doesn’t it?” you close your eyes, letting the tears run down your face. “I was your age. And I felt so alone. Misunderstood, and guilty. Because I was… guilty, misunderstood and alone. It was the worst times in my life till I realized things would never be the same anymore. And I was so fucking hurt, that I made that promise to myself. Nobody else would feel what I felt. Nobody was going to be that alone if I could be there. Nobody was going to feel guilty like me, nobody was going to regret… I will never be the one that left someone all alone… not me… not for my fault… and now… Oh, boy…” He looks at you his eyes full of sadness.
“I’m not a boy. I’m not a child!” you say. You hear him laughing softly. And you open your eyes and look at him as hurt as you are feeling now. “I’m not!”
“You are…” he said looking directly into your wet eyes. You are about to scream, but again, his finger is on your mouth, stopping you. He smiles kindly. “You are, Lij. You life is just starting. You are not sure what you are feeling, you still don’t understand it, you really don’t know what is happening…”
“I know” you cut in furiously. “I know what’s happening, I know exactly why it is happening”
“But you don’t know how it is” he tries to make you understand.
“Stop treating me like a baby, Dom!” you cry out.
“Do you know how it is, Elijah? Do you know? Do you know that normally it hurts? That sometimes it can be even disgusting?” he is looking at you madly now. “Do you know what people think of it? Do you know? Do you understand that if anyone knows this it would be the end of your career? Have you realized that?. No! You haven’t. So you are not as mature as you think!.” He sighed. He looks again at his hands. He rubs his eyes. And then, he looks at you again. “I didn’t want this… not for you. I can’t imagine in this fucking world a person that I care for more than you. And I let it happen, because I was sure you only had a crush. That you were going to realize sooner or later that this is not what you want… what you really want. But though you think that you have been alone with all this over your shoulders during these three long weeks, you haven’t been. I’ve been always observing you, seeing how you changed…”
“Oh, thank you, that was so sweet of you…” you cut in cruelly. You need to know how much pain he has caused you.
“Stop it, Lijah” he sighs again. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But I really thought it was going to pass over… You are still so young… You…”
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 336
(4/2/03 11:42 pm) Reply
Re: A DARE TO CHANGE - Slash fanfic
You lean to his side and kiss him. Press your lips strongly on his. And it feels good.
“You want me to treat you like an adult, but what you have done is actually so child like” he says smiling, separating just a few inches from your lips. You do it again. He lets you do it for some seconds. And again, he separates a bit. “This is not going to work” he adds.
“Why not?” you ask looking at his eyes, still leaning against his side, still so close to him.
“Because you are too young still… And shut up!… You are, right?. You are too new for this, you don’t understand it. You are acting like the child you are, doing whatever you want and not bothering with the consequences.”
“So you are more mature than me, because you are ignoring it?” you ask.
“I’m not ignoring it, Lij” he says seriously looking again to his hands, playing with his thumb ring. “No, I’m not… I can’t” he adds at last, facing you. “But I’m thinking about you, and your career…”
“I am too” you say firmly. “I’m not that childish… But I’m really, really, incredibly tired of thinking”
When your lips rub his, you close your eyes. And you realize that it has been a while since the last tear rolled down your cheek.
When you raise your hand to touch his face, you notice that you are not feeling the sadness that filled you some minutes ago.
When he parts his lips and invites you to taste him, you are not feeling hurt anymore.
Not misunderstood. Not alone. Not that young. Not changed.
You are feeling free. Happy. Corresponded. Loved. The same. Yourself. Nineteen.
And you are feeling him. And his lips. And his taste. And his face, and his tongue.
And you tremble. And your heart is beating as fast as it is hurting. And your head is buzzing.
Because it is not a little kiss. It is not a drunken kiss from a silly game. Because nobody is laughing. Because it is real. Because it is important. Because he is responding.
And it is long. Long enough to know that it really had happened. Long enough for both of you to make a promise that if it does not work, it shouldn’t be because you haven’t try. Long enough for you to show him that you are not a little inexperienced boy anymore. Or if you still are, you are a good learner.
When the kiss ends Dom grabs you in his arms, embracing you strongly, and kisses your forehead.
“How did you know I was here, like this?” you ask.
“I told you” he says softly. “Because I lived it all before” He catch your face on his hands and look directly to your eyes. “And I have been all this time looking for you.”
“It really could have been home-sickness you know!” you say smiling joyfully.
“Fucker!” he punches you. “You see!. That’s what make you a child. Those kind of comments!” You laugh. And then lean to give him a short kiss again. “Never change that, Lij” he adds softly facing you seriously. “Because I love it…”. He smiles, and rest his back on the wall, pressing your body harder against his. “We are going to use the home-sickness excuse, aren’t we?” he looks at you, and you know it’s not a real question.
“For now I think it is best that everybody thinks it was that… If you agree…”
“Yes, for now it should be better that way” he says while nodding. He seems completely used to excuses and hiding. And you wonder if you are able to look that confident in yourself too.
“It is going to work, Dom, I’m sure” you promise kissing him softly.
“We’ll see” he says seriously, though he is smiling. Edited by: Saura at: 4/4/03 6:59:54 pm
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 337
(4/2/03 11:42 pm) Reply
Re: A DARE TO CHANGE - Slash fanfic
Dom is older than you, more experienced. And he is going to wait for the time that you regret. For the time to come that you want everything to return back to normal and try to fall in love with a girl again. Because it happened to him. And he, poor little Elijah, he is more adult than you. More experienced. And he knows.
And when he lets you rest on his chest, he is wondering how many times you going to need to do it, to ignore it all and try to start being a normal boy.
And he is thinking if he is going to be able to not fall in love with you so much by then, that you hurt him hopelessly. Or if when that happens he will be able to bring you back to him.
Hearing his heart beating strongly inside his chest, you rest. You breath calmly. And you dream. Because he don’t see you like a child. He is able to see a lover on you, and you are feeling really happy of that.
After all the movements and changes of these weeks, now you are calmer, happier and more hopeful than you have ever been. Because you still don’t know, little inexperienced Elijah. You don’t know what Dom is thinking. And you still don’t know that all that, *is going* to happen.
Re: A DARE TO CHANGE - Slash fanfic
I changed the end, to make it a bit more interesting (or to preparing everything to a sequel... who knows)
AND... I'm going to publish it on a slash site! *Oh, God, Is my first time and I'm jumping on the chair becasue of the nerves*
I will tell you the direction for it when it's published!Edited by: Saura at: 4/4/03 7:02:58 pm
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 437
(5/16/03 7:45 pm) Reply
Re: A DARE TO CHANGE - Slash fanfic
Oh, THANK YOU DUM!!!!!!
Thank you, really!.
I thought noone had read this one... and it was a difficult challenge for me (Vadas knows... I wrote three versions of the same to end with this)....
So thanks, *kiss*
Edited by: 
very different style than most of whats out there.. i'd love to see more writing from you 
Email This To a Friend
Topic Commands
Click to receive email notification of replies 
Click to stop receiving email notification of replies