Imaginative MOD
Posts: 286
(3/21/03 12:59 am) Reply
A letter for you ~ Complete
I don’t know where to start. Maybe just because I don’t know you as much as I would like. But I know something is going wrong. Something that is worrying you. That has wiped the smile off your face.
You think I’m made of stone. But I’m not. Sometimes it is really hard to keep on smiling when you feel your world is turning upside down. When you can’t feel the earth under your feet, it is hard to maintain a good face. But you already know it. Now is the time when all the attempts are over, when you stop smiling and show everybody how sad you really are, how depressed you have been for so long. I know. Though you can’t imagine it, I have felt exactly like you. I have experienced inside me all those feelings. The sensation that is all over. The wish to have another life, completely different from what I have; another family, other friends… A different me.
Another me…
I’m shy, you know. You know almost everything about me, actually. I’m not a poet or a writer, so most of the times I am afraid of writing feelings down. I think nobody would understand. I never find the courage to do it. But I know you will read this, and that you will understand. So I’m doing it.
Because though I don’t know what the problem is, I feel it. Because it rises over you and flies to me. And as much as I have tried to hear it, I can’t. You are too far. No. Wait. You think you are too far from me. But you are not. Every time you sigh, I can hear it. Every time you cry, I can feel it. Every time you scream…
I would love to scream when I’m sad. But I can’t.
I would love to have cried out, to have screamed madly, the first time I found love was over. When that relationship ended, I felt the world was never going to be bright again, as dark as I saw it.
And all those year’s alone. Without any warm lips to meet mine; any body to hug; any eyes to meet full of love. I remember having thought that I deserved it. That I deserved being alone for that long. It was all my fault. If only in that time I could have left my own life and started another… new… different…
I can only sigh deeply but quiet when I have family problems. Because you know… my mom is not an angel. For a long time she got mad at me for no reason. And screamed at me in front of strangers.
I thought I would never forgive her for the shame she caused me to feel that day. But I did, ironically. I understand her now, though I still can make her angry and make her scream at me with furious eyes. She was, and she is still, trying to do her best with me; I will always be a child for her, as old as I am.
And when I admitted that maybe she was not right, but doing her best, I felt really awful. Because I think I don’t deserve her. Because I think I will never be good enough for her.
But I am. And she told me once, though not with words. I have heard from her “I’m proud of you” very few times, if at all. Now I’m an adult, and maybe you think I don’t need her to say it. But I need it. And I try to see it in her eyes, when something I do is right to her.
No, don’t think I’m good. I’m not. I’m not always trying to do things because she would love me to. No. The fact is actually three quarters of what I usually do make’s her scream. But as I realized she is human and gets mad for more reasons than me myself, I also have realized that I must do things for myself too. Make mistakes. Make my own. I want the best for me too. Only I have a different point of view of how to do it. Maybe is not the best way either… who knows. The only thing I can do actually is try not to always give in to her. Because I think my way, not necessarily must cross into hers. We can run parallel, don’t you think?
But sometimes, still, I get that feeling that she expected much more from me, and that that is terribly unfair. Because I believe she thinks maybe I’m not doing my best to be more intelligent, or good, or braver… or taller…
Everybody expects from me much more than I am able to give. They expect the best of me. And when I do something that is not perfect, everybody tries to make me understand how bad I am.
You expect too much from me too. You don’t give me a chance to make mistakes. Yes, you, don’t get that surprised face… Remember what happened when you realized I smoked? Ah?… You forget too soon. Because as my friends and my family, you got terribly mad, remember?.
But surely you thought I didn’t care what you thought about it. But I did, and I do actually. That’s why I’m writing to you. Because I care.
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 287
(3/21/03 1:00 am) Reply
Re: A letter for you ~ Complete
As silly as it seems, I think on that moment everybody thought I had failed them.
I can remember perfectly how I felt the first time my best mate failed me. Actually, thinking back, I can see how unfair I was. But on that day, I felt like I would never in my life trust in anyone else again. Because he had failed me. And when I needed him the most, he was not there.
When friends fail you, however, you forget they are people like you. They are not super-friends, able to know what is happening in your mind, to perfectly know what’s wrong.
Because, you know, I can promise you that you can fail your friends as much as they can fail you.
I was about to lose my best mate for that. I got mad because he was not there for me. And later, I didn’t understand why he was so mad when the day came that he needed me, I wasn’t there for him. Because it was not my fault. I was out of the city, no way to speak with him… But he was right. I was out because I wanted to be… He said I was not a friend to trust, because I will always be out of the city… He was terribly unfair with me!… exactly as unfair as I was with him.
Failing your friends, is something that simply can happen. Understanding that they are not super-friends is one of the most important things you can do in your life. Because you must remember you are not a super-human to know what is wrong with them…
And you can’t ask your friends to be, what you are not able to be yourself.
And another person I thought was my friend … telling everybody things behind my back. Wasn’t she supposed to be my friend? Am I not good enough to just have normal friends who I can trust in and be sure they love me enough not to talk behind my back, not to divulge my secrets?
Friends are supposed to defend you when you need it. Friends are there to protect you against everything if you are not there to protect yourself, right? It is hard to understand that some people are not your friends. In my life I have met more people like that than I could have ever expected. It is hard to discover that. It hurts. It makes you think you can not trust in anyone, and that you don’t deserve trust. Then you start thinking why in hell you can’t start your life again and take any other way!. Isn’t it?
But it is not your fault as it was not mine. In life you must deal with people that are not real friends. I discovered that really soon… sooner than you will ever imagine. What is important is to be able to pass over them and get on with your happiness and with people that really love you, though you will never be sure till the end, if they do, or if you deserved their friendship.
In friendship, like in love, it is not till the end of your days when you discover who was your friend. Who was your love. Both should be at your side when that moment comes. Because you will be at your friend and your lovers side at the end. Like your family will be. Like you will be for your family.
In this life you must pass over the bad things. As much as it could hurt to let them go.
When my first love was over, it was the hardest time in my life. My world was over, my life was ending. All I had learnt from that relationship I felt was useless. I didn’t want to kiss or to hug anyone else in my life. I would never love anyone else that way again in my life. I was destroyed. But I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t show everybody how disgusted I was. Because everybody thinks I’m of stone. But I’m not. So I took the easy way. Make the other person guilty of everything and pass it out. And make my family guilty of it. And my friends…
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 288
(3/21/03 1:00 am) Reply
Re: A letter for you ~ Complete
It is easy to solve problems getting them all out and making yourself a rock so nothing can hurt you. Where you don’t need friends care for you, nor fail you; where you don’t care what your family thinks about what you are doing; where love can not enter; where loneliness is all you need…
But life is like a hurricane. And comes once and again destroying the rock you had put over you to protect you. And each time it comes harder. And each time it takes more of your protection. And one day you are nude. And the first breath of air will feel like a blow and make you fall.
No matter what it is. Your family, your friends, love, studies, work… Seems like just living hurts.
And I know what you think. You look at me and you wish you were me.
You think I don’t have problems and that I live in a comfortable and warm world.
But as you have read, I have exactly the same problems as you. I have lived them all. I understand them because I lived them, I understand you because I know how you feel. Just I couldn’t show how bad those problems made me feel. I couldn’t let you know that they were destroying me sometimes. And that’s really hard and really unfair, isn’t it?
I’m not stronger than you. I’m not brave nor have more courage than you. I’m human. I have my best moments, and my worst too.
I sometimes feel like I don’t have anywhere to go and hide and cry. Sometimes I don’t know where to go to run over the angriness and the feeling that I’m nothing. I felt sometimes I have nobody to say that everything is over, that I can’t stand it more and that I need to scream “fuck you all!” and send it all to hell. Sounds familiar to you, ah?
You know how it is like smiling when you feel you are nothing, that you have failed your family or your friends or your love. You know how it is to show your best face to people so they won’t worry about you. I do too.
But I know one thing more than you of that. That you need much more courage to do that; to smile and show your best face; to run and hide from your problems. You need even more than facing the problems at once.
You think I haven’t heard you crying. You think I haven’t heard your scream. You think I can not see in your eyes how you feel. But I do.
Because you think my life has been easier than yours, and it has not been.
Because you think I cry for different things but I have cried for exactly the same.
Because you think I’m different from you… And I’m not.
Because you think I’m just made of the same paper as your wall poster. And that I’m as deaf and blind as that image of me.
But I want you to know one thing of me that you so easy forget. That I’m like you. And like you about me, without your smile, without you at my side, I’m nothing. And I can’t let you go this way. I need you. So I think you deserved to know that I’m made of exactly the same feelings as you.
When I’m worried, when I’m sad, when I think everything is over… your smile out there brings new light to me and helps me. Though you think I don’t remember your face once when I saw it; though you think you are just “one more face” for me on the crowd... Each smile you bring me, each look you give to me, each time you scream my name... Make me remember I’m important for you and make me take the courage I need to face my problems at once. Because my family deserves it. Because my friends deserve it. Because love deserves it, and I deserve it… Because you deserve it.
Maybe when you are feeling like that, my smile can help you the same way. So remember, every time you need it: all the courage I have needed to face my problems and be able to smile to you when I’m sad and tired, is the same you need to face your problem and smile back to me. And I love your smile being free of problems.
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 289
(3/21/03 1:01 am) Reply
Re: A letter for you ~ Complete
You have that courage. Just you need to find it. Mine is under my nails. That’s why I bite them.
I don’t know if I have helped you. But I did my best. It is enough for me that you actually think of me as a human, like a friend… like the one that understands you perfectly…
Remember always I will be here for you, every time you need me, smiling back to you and only you, giving you the courage you need to face it all… from your wall poster.
Because you are as fan of me, as I am fan of you.
Yours.
Elijah.
*****
“Are you sure you are going to post it, Lij?”
“If I can fight with the double posting thing…”
Imaginative MOD
Posts: 290
(3/21/03 1:01 am) Reply
Re: A letter for you ~ CompleteNote of the Author:
To: All the girls in this board and A&F board (sorry) that sometime, somehow, have problems and need help. But specially to Mory and Malli (form A&F), whom I was thinking when I wrote it. Also, of course, to VadasNighmaere: I really think we are a good team for this. We must think about that more seriously...
I'm not Elijah. I don't know him and I will never meet him. Just I took fragments of his personal life and imagine how would he feel.
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