Sam walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
Sam says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”
~*~*~*~
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is A Wizard - David Letterm
10. When he enters a room there is a burst of purple smoke
9. You say, "Do you think that lawn is gonna mow itself?" But then it does
8. Your child gets busted shoplifting a newt
7. Can turn lead into gold, but he can't remember to take out the trash .
6. He wears shiny red satin robes -- and you're just praying he's a wizard
5. Favorite discount electronics chain: The Wiz
4. Refers to Halloween as "amateur night"
3. He's only 12, but somehow he's dating Gwyneth Paltrow
2. His homework ate the dog
1. You catch him in the bathroom polishing his wand
~*~*~*~
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender (Sam)says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender (Sam), looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender (Sam) squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
~*~*~*~
Sam walked into the prancing pony to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. Sam was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from Gandalf. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later Sam runs back to the prancing pony in anger, "Gandalf Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked Gandalf, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
~*~*~*~
This is not a bree joke but it's still good
When Fishermen Meet
"Hiyamac"
"Lobuddy"
"Binearlong?"
"Coplours"
"Cetchenny?"
"Goddafew"
"Kindarthay?"
"Bassencarp"
"Ennysizetoom?"
"Couplapowns"
"Hittinhard?"
"Sordalike"
"Wachoosen?"
"Gobbawurms"
"Fishanonaboddum?"
"Rydononaboddum"
"Whatchadrinkin?"
"Jugajimbeam"
"Igoddago"
"Tubad"
"Seeyaroun"
"Yeahtakideezy"
"Guluck"
~*~*~*~
This is for all us Australian members
Never mind the "Big Bang" theory, this is how it really
happened..........
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and bbq's. He created night for going
prawning, sleeping and bbq's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second
Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and bbq's on the beach.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the Third
Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and
yeast for beer and wood for bbq's.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth
Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages,steak and
prawns for bbq's.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the Fifth
day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,drink the
beer and eat the meat and prawns at bbq's.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the Sixth
Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the
footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God
created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes.
God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the
Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the
hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes,
smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that
it was good.... well almost good.
God saw that the blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So
God created Females- to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and
clean the bbq.
God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was
bloody good!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!
~*~*~*~
What do you give an oliphunt with diarrhoea?
Plenty of room.
~*~*~*~
Thain’s Bree Workout
Here's the latest exercise program for Bree members, who spend
A little too much time sat down at their desks and not enough time at the gym.
Get into Shape for summer with this great new training regime. You might
Want to take it easy at first, and then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.
** ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE
PROGRAM.**
And now, in no particular order, ten alternate titles for the new _The Lord
of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_ movie:
* There's Something About Merry
* Hard Hobbit to Break
* Fast Times at Uruk-Hai
* Legolas and the Eyebrows of Doom
* O Bombadil! Where Art Thou?
* Orky's
* The Frivolous Adventures of the Nine Naughty Nazgul
* Truly, Madly, Gimli
* The Took, the Elf, His Daughter and Her Lover
* Samwise Gamgee: International Hobbit of Mystery
~*~*~*~
Dancing_Hobbit
Adolescent
posted October 06, 2003 11:56 AM
Goalies wear padded shorts, because repeatedly throwing themselves onto hard ground is sore. Goalies also have to recover from diving saves very quickly, in case the ball isn't properly cleared and they are required to save again. Combine these two needs, and equip the modern goalkeeper with enormous shorts, padded all over by a dense layer of springs. In this way he can be protected from injury, and has no choice but to recover quickly from a dive.
Extra benefit: a goalie now has a means to entertain himself in a very one sided match - by bouncing around on his arse space-hopper style.
Re: Bree Jokes
During their search for the two halflings, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are discovered by the Uruk-Hai who take them captive. The three plead with Ugluk and finally he agrees to let them go as long as they forfill a task to be made up by his Uruk troops. When the decision is made, Ugluk approaches them...
"You may leave, if you go into Fangorn and bring back 100 pieces of your favourite fruit. We will tell you what to do with it when you return. You shall have a guard with you so you don’t escape."
So the three warriors and their guards ventured into Fangorn and eventually returned with their fruit. Aragorn was the first to return, carrying 100 Apples. Ugluk told him that:
"if you wish to survive, you must shove all 100 apples up your bottom without making any facial expressions or noises."
So Aragorn started. 1,2,3,4... 60,61 and then "OOOOOOOOOOhhh!!!" he cried out in pain and was killed on the spot by dozens of arrows.
Next back came Legolas, carrying 100 grapes of a bright green. He was told the instructions and started his task. 1,2,3,4,5,6... 95,96,97 and then he burst out laughing!!! He was dead in a matter of seconds.
At the gates of Arvandor, while they awaited guidance from ERU to their eternal home, Aragorn asked Legolas why he had laughed. "You were so close to living! Now who shall save the hobbits?"
To which Legolas replied, "I couldn’t help myself! I just saw Gimli coming back with an armful of pineapples!"
Re: Bree Jokes
A blonde woman in Rohan had two horses, but she couldn’t tell them apart. So she asked her hobbit neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence accidentally cutting his tail off.So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses’ ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence accidentally notching his ear. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
Re: Bree Jokes
A Dwarf, an Ent and an Elf are sentenced to death. The dwarf is brought out first . The firing squad takes aim. Suddenly the dwarf yells: "Avalanche! " In the confusion he escapes.
The Ent is impressed and decides to try something similar. As the squad takes aim he yells: "Flood!" And in the confusion he too makes his escape.
The elf has observed this closely. He decides to follow their example. So just as the firing squad takes aim, he yells: "Fire!"...
Re: Bree Jokes
One day Eowyn and Ugluk went to school.Gandalf was teaching the class.Eowyn sat in front of Ugluk.But she fell asleep."Eowyn,who made the Heavens and the earth?"Gandalf asked.But Eowyn did not answer.So Ugluk jabbed his pencil into her. "God Almighty!"Eowyn screamed waking up."Very good,"Gandalf said.Soon Eowyn fell asleep again."Eowyn,who saved us from our sins?"Gandalf asked.But Eowyn didn't answer.So Ugluk jabbed his pencil into her."Jesus Christ!"She screamed waking up."Very good,"Gandalf said.This time Eowyn stayed awake."What did Arwen say to Aragorn after they had thier 10th kid,Eowyn?"Gandalf said.Eowyn was thinking but Ugluk thought she was asleep.So he jabbed his pencil into her.So she turned around and said,"If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm gonnah break it in half.
Re: Bree Jokes
Sam was discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement with his old friend Pippin. While pippin had lots of hobbies, Sam had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
Pippin suggested that Sam go visit his kids. Sam said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a horse and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."
Pippin looked a bit puzzled, so Sam said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."
Pippins eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so Sam volunteered to explain.
"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing."
Puzzlement.
Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say, "What?"
Maiden du Mystique
Posts: 87
(3/20/04 6:41 am) Reply
Re: Bree Jokes
(HTML and formatting edits made on start post for easier reading)
-Mym
Home is behind, the world ahead, and there are many paths to tread.
Through shadow, through the edge of night, until the stars are all alight. Mist and shadows, cloud and shade, all shall fade, all shall...
...fade.
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