Noralaura
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Posts: 46
(11/27/03 11:13 am)
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Choices Part 3
Last time...
“You’re being to hard on yourself Nora.”
“Am I? I mean I used Colin’s growing attraction to me to try and coax him into giving up Lindsay.”
He shifts uncomfortably “All Colin really wanted in the end was for me to love him, and maybe I really could have if he had been honest with me.”
“Are you serious?”
*************************************
“Yes, I’ve never admitted this to anyone, but I really did have feelings for Colin that went far and beyond the game that I was playing.”
“I had no idea?”
“I barely knew myself, but it’s true, even after all I knew he had done to me, for some reason I was still drawn to him…there was such a strong connection between us.”
“And this bothered you.”
“Yes, of course it did, and as much as I tried to fight it or how wrong I knew it was. I… I couldn’t stay away from him.” Putting her head down on the bar she starts to cry “it’s all my fault, all of this.”
Rubbing her shoulders, “It’s okay Nora, you’ve been through so much, you’ll get through this too.”
Slowly lifting her head. “I never should have gotten mixed up with Colin, I was stupid, and it cost everyone so much. “
“Well you did what you felt you had to do at the time.”
“Right, and what I did was no better than what Troy did to Lindsay.”
“Now wait a minute. How can you call that the same Nora?”
“Well for starters I stood by and watched as he seduced her knowing how cruel it was, she actually believed that he loved her. I mean what kind if person goes along with something like that? And then if that wasn’t bad enough I lied to Sam about it the whole time.”
“I don’t think MacIver gave you much of a choice.”
“Oh come on R.J. I’m not some wall flower afraid to stand up for what’s right. I could have stopped him if I really wanted to.”
Laughing “Oh I know you could have, what I meant was, you were already falling for the guy, god knows we don’t always make the smartest decisions when it comes to love.”
Laughing as well “If that isn’t the biggest understatement I’ve ever heard.”
“So you fell for Troy, quit beating yourself up about it, it happens."
“But you see, that’s my problem R.J. I still love him, I realized that more than ever these last few days.”
“When he was trying to kill you?”
“Yes, but that wasn’t Troy, I know he would never want to hurt me.”
Looking at her arm “Well you could have fooled me.”
“He was out of control, yes, but he thought he had nothing left to live for. I’m sure you can understand that. God it was so hard to see him like that, in so much pain. After we broke up I knew he was upset for awhile, but I just figured he'd gotten over me, I mean there were allot of other women. I guess he thought somehow that would take all the pain away and when it didn’t, well, I guess that must have been when things started to get completely out of control for him. If only I had known that he was feeling the same way that I was, maybe, maybe we could have talked about it maybe none of this would have happened.”
“Now stop it right there Nora, Troy going off the deep end is not your fault.”
“No and I’m not saying it is. I’m just saying that maybe, if I would have put my ego aside for five minutes and talked to him that things might have ended differently.”
“You really think that could have helped him?”
“Yes, he made it very clear to me the other day that he thought I hated him, that I could never forgive him…I was just so hurt finding him with Lindsay, and I couldn’t see past that. I tried to explain that to him but he didn’t believe me.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think you should have been the one trying to make him feel better.”
“Oh R.J. I love him. And the way I acted towards him wasn’t right, I’m not saying that it was fine for him to cheat on me, because it certainly wasn’t okay in my book. But if I had tried a little harder to see what had drove him to doing it, given him a chance to try and explain it to me besides that night in the heat of the moment in Angel Square. We’ll, I think I would have been able to forgive him much sooner.”
“So what are you saying? That you think you two may have had a chance? That you’d have taken him back even after he slept with Lindsay?”
“Yes, because I finally believe that he doesn’t love her, that she was just a sick way that he punished himself. He hated himself for lying to me R.J.and she was a way that he could prove to himself that he was a bad person, that he didn’t deserve me. And that couldn’t have been farther from the truth, but he didn’t see that, he was desperate and he made a horrible mistake.
"A HUGE mistake."
"I know what that’s like because i’ve been there, I just can’t believe that I didn’t see it before, that it took things having to go as far as they did for me to realize it.
“Well I still say MacIver’s a fool for treating you the way he did.”
“He was wonderful to me for the most part R.J. and he did save my life.” Standing. “Now, if you don’t mind calling me a cab, I think I better get home.”
Getting up and picking up the phone “Sure thing Nora.”
“R.J.”
Turning to look at her “Yes?”
“I really am sorry about earlier.”
“As far as I’m concerned it’s already forgotten.”
Smiling “Thank you, for everything.”
******************************
When the cab pulled away from the curb she breathed a heavy sigh. The night was still, the moon full, casting its pearly shadows as she made her way to the door. Turning on the light she scanned the room for signs of what had transpired there but there were none, Maryann had seen to that. Sitting she felt almost sad because of it, not that she needed a violent reminder, what she needed was the connection to him. She picked up the phone and started to dial Saint Annes but then placed it back in the cradle. It was too late to call tonight, she’d have to wait until morning to check and see how he was doing. Grabbing a blanket she laid back on the couch in hopes of convincing her body that it was time to rest but knowing that sleep was doubtful.
He tossed and turned in a violent sleep, blankets tangled, heart pounding until suddenly he shot up in bed with a scream “NO!”
The door to his room opened suddenly the lights flipping on. “Troy is everything alright?”
“Yes sister, I’m sorry to have woken you.”
“Oh it’s quit alright, another nightmare?”
Looking down to his soaked shirt and then back at her “Yes, I’m afraid so.”
“Would you like me to get something to help you sleep?”
“No that won’t be necessary, thank you sister.”
“Alright then, Goodnight Troy.” Switching back off the light
“Goodnight.”
Lying back down. “God Nora, what have I done?”
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