Noralaura
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Posts: 47
(11/27/03 11:16 am)
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Choices Part 4
Troy sat at the table sipping his coffee, trying hard to remember exactly what had happened the last time he had seen her. He knew it wasn’t good but only fragments remained, flashbacks of him throwing the phone, screaming, and all of the blood. His mind had definitely grown clearer the last few days yet the actual events remained hazy at best, he remembered reading once that sometimes in severe cases of depression, a person can detach from their own emotions so completely that they aren’t even aware of their own actions. This must have been what had happened with him, because the last thing he ever wanted to do was to hurt Nora, and as hard as it was for him to lose her, in a million years he never wanted to end his own life. Besides Nora, being a doctor was the only thing that mattered to him, saving people his only redemption.
“Troy.” Sister Mary said gently. “Are you going to be joining us in group?”
He nodded yes before he stood. “Yes sister, I was just lost in my thoughts sorry I held everyone up.”
“It’s quite all right, come along now.”
They entered the room and he sat in the last empty chair, completing the circle of what now seemed like a family to him. A dysfunctional and sometimes volatile family but who better to understand him than them?
Sister Mary smiled as she sat, “So last time I believe we ended with you Janie,” turning her head to look at Troy. “so it looks like it’s your turn now, are you ready to share with us some of what is bothering you? Why you came to visit us at Saint Anne’s?”
*********
She opened her eyes to the sun tumbling across the bed, her head was pounding but thoughts of him still managed to get through. “Dammit” She stood pulling the sheets around her tightly, walking across the room she picked up the phone, feeling the butterflies in her stomach as she dialed Saint Anne’s.
“Yes, This is Nora Buchanan, I’m calling to see if Troy MacIver is able to have visitors yet? I see, so no progress at all then? I understand, you can’t tell me…right, family. I appreciate your help. Thank you sister.”
*******
“Troy? Can you share with us?”
“You know what I can’t believe?”
“What is that Troy?”
“That after all I’ve done, she still has the courage to love me.”
“Nora?”
“Yes. Nora.”
“And why would you find this odd?”
“Because I never knew that kind of love existed.”
************
“Mommy can you make me some waffles?”
“Sure sweetie, you want syrup?”
“Lots and lots.”
Smiling “I knew you took after me in some way, anything to drink?”
“Milk.”
“Milk and waffles coming up.” Grabbing the waffles from the freezer and the milk.”
“Mommy, how’s your arm?”
Her mind flashing to Troy and the poisoned wine she had poured to the floor.
“Mommy you’re spilling the milk!” She watches as it hits the floor, and starts to cry.
**********
“Didn’t you love her that way Troy? I guess I am confused here?”
“Yes of course I did, I loved her more than anyone I have ever loved.”
“So why can’t you believe that she could love you back the same way?”
********
“Mommy? Are you okay?”
Trying to control her tears. “Yes sweetie, I’m fine, I’m just tired and my arm hurts a bit.” Walking over to hug him.
“I love you mommy.”
“I love you too Matthew.”
********
“I guess I just never believed that someone could love ME that much, I knew I was capable of it but never dreamed I would find someone else who was able to love me back the same way.”
“I see, so you felt like you were always the one to love more is that it?”
“Yes I guess I did. I would have done anything for Colin, I loved him so much.”
“And you don’t think he loved you back?”
“In his own way he did yes, but he was never really kind or expressive about it he was so complicated.”
********
“Ready for school little man?”
“Yes mom, you sure you don’t want me to stay home and help you cause your arm hurts so bad?”
“No sweetie, I’m fine and I have a lot of errands to run anyway.”
“Okay, then I will see you after school.” Hugging her.
“It’s a date.” She smiles until he is out of site then sits on the couch tears coming again the memories like a web trapping her from within.
*************
“Tell us more about Colin, Troy.”
“There isn’t much to say really, he took advantage of me from an early age, and I would have done anything to win his approval.”
“But I read in you’re chart that you were estranged when he died? How did it come to that?”
“I finally got tired of taking all the blame for his misdeeds, I didn’t like hurting people the way he liked to sometimes.”
“I see, well unfortunately our time is up for now, but we can pick up on this next time.”
********
She paced the floor trying to unravel her feelings, disclosure slipping through her mind like sand through fingers. Had he really wanted to kill her? Did he love her that much, or that little? Still…every time she lay eyes on him she felt as if her heart would burst. This wasn’t love? Or was it? Nothing seemed unscarred, their first kiss, the first time she’d really looked into his eyes, had it all been a game? Was he just using her like all the others, had he loved her at all? She fought the deluge of emotions, knowing the answers lay bare in her heart.
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